im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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