"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
