If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
