If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
