WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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