I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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