I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
