GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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