The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This baby is an asshole
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
