I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
