That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
