When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
