I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize