my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
