Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
