i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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