im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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