I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize