I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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