So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
