I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I am available for nakedness
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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