Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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