And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
