She's JV to your varsity
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
