Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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