thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
