Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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