I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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