9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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