Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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