Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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