HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
