I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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