just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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