i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
