i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
