i just wanna soil my oats bro
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
