So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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