Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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