I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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