just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
