what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize