do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
