we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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