I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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