K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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