On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
