So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
