He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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