I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
