at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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