I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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