New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
