When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
