Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
